Positively Scarred

24 year old California chick.
These are my stories, these are my scars. This blog is a collection of memories. It's a tale of progression.
This is my life.

To get things started, why not first read this?

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email - positivelyscarred@writeme.com
AIM - iLiveonGreySt
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Dear Jerkoff Ex-Boyfriend,

First off, I want to thank you. Thank you for showing me how wrong I was about you and how much of an asshole one guy can be. Thank you for showing me how ridiculous I was for believing you and I were ever going to get married. Thank you for giving me more reason to give up on finding true love. More importantly, however, thank you for giving me a reason to leave and find my inner strength. I thought I would be lost without you, but I know better than that now.

To be completely honest, I wanted to leave you much sooner, but the thought of being without you scared me to death so I stayed. I was ridiculed, laughed at, belittled, and emotionally hurt but I fucking stayed because I loved you. I stayed because I thought through all the pain you put me through and the drunken slurs, you loved me, too. I became submissive to you. I did as I was told. I really didn’t talk to anyone else because you’d get jealous. I didn’t say anything about your drinking because you’d just throw a fit and tell me how wrong I was and that you didn’t have a problem. I’d keep silent about the things I believed strongly in, because I would get shit about how stupid it was and how I was wrong for believing in such ridiculousness.

Looking back over the year and a half we were together, I can see where it started to change. I should have left you then. Had I known that things were going to end how they did, I would have. But I didn’t. And I’m grateful because I know better now. Looking back, I should have known from the start. You did the same shit to me that you did to the girl before me, only I fucking figured you out and she still has no clue. All that time my paranoia, fear, and suspicion had solidity. There was truth in everything I was thinking… I should have listened to my gut instinct. This is only the second time I haven’t listened to it, and now I could kick myself for that mistake.

What I don’t understand, really, is what the fuck did you want from me if you were so fucking bored with me? I guess that’s something I’ll never know. Just like I’ll never know why you said all these girls were “gross” or “ugly” and “ew, I wouldn’t touch that with a 10-foot pole” and then you went and fucked them after we split. Oh and now I fucking get it: “Yeah, I really like the name _____. I told her last night, ‘I don’t know why, but I really like your name.’” Reeeaaaal fucking cute. You were basically hitting on her WHILE I WAS IN ATTENDANCE at the same fucking party. Sleazy, much?

Oh, and I just adore the way you were so involved in what I’ve been going through. Making me bring it up instead of asking? That really shows you cared. That night, in your eyes, never happened in your eyes. Here I was, thinking you were such a supportive boyfriend and so caring and tender. Yeah, right. While I was at home in recovery, you were fucking around on me. That’s really sweet. I’m glad you showed me how much you loved me by cheating on me. And that whole shit about, “I need time for myself” when I only saw you twice a week (if that)? I call bullshit on that. If you really fucking loved me, you would have come to see me before work, or after, instead of just Saturday nights. I became your Weekend Fuck Buddy and I didn’t even fucking realize it.

You said you never would lie to me after I caught you in a very fucked off situation. You said you never lied to me before that. You said you never would again. Remember how fucking upset you were over the prospect of losing me? Yeah, you weren’t. You were pissed because you got fucking caught. I see through all your shit now.

It’s amazing how you thought I was the immature one, yet you’re the one who couldn’t say shit to my face. You’re the one who’s still doing the same shit you were 6 months ago, and you’ll still be doing the same shit 6 months from now. You’ll also be the one who will do the same shit to the next girl as you did to me and the girl before. I hope she’s a lot fucking smarter and stronger than I was. I hope she sees through your lies and bullshit way before you have the chance to force her into submission.

Now, I don’t want this letter to be all negative… I do miss our good times. We had a lot of fun, shared a lot of laughs, and enjoyed each others company in general. Remember our trips to the beach? Or to the snow for our year anniversary? Remember staying up late playing Monopoly? You always kicked my ass, but it was fun. Or playing Aggravation? The Game of Life? Hanging out drinking with your mom? I miss those times. I miss the closeness we had, and the good times we shared. I remember you were once so afraid of losing me… What happened to that boy?

I once couldn’t stand to be without you, and now I don’t know how I was ever with you. I’m still really angry at you, in case you couldn’t tell, but I also miss you… the old you. The you I first had in the beginning of the relationship. What happened?

I can’t say I didn’t try, because I really tried. Every-fucking-day I tried. I wanted to keep you. When I felt like I was losing you, I held on tighter when I should have just let you go. But, I know better now. There’s no changing what happened. I’m not going to live in the past or dwell on this anymore. I deserve so much better… And you? I won’t wish a miserable life upon you, because that’s just bad karma. (Something you ridiculed me over…) Instead, I just wish that you don’t kill yourself with alcohol. Oh, and just know that if you ever try to contact me, whether it be through friends or directly, I won’t respond. You don’t deserve a second chance, and we certainly will not be friends. Our last time talking was definitely our last time. If I see you out on the town, I will not acknowledge you. I will not nod your way as a ‘hello.’ I will not walk up and greet you. I will not approach you or your group at all. I will ignore you. I can’t stand you.

All My Loathe,
Your Spurned, Hurt, and Finally Free Ex-Girlfriend

P.S. Remember when I told you, a long time ago, that if we ever broke up that it would take me a long time to move on and even consider dating/having sex with anyone else?
Fuck you.

  1. mazzykeepsintouch said: The End. I LOVE the end.
  2. positivelyscarred posted this